The Dull Ache That Engulfs You
by Crazy Coww
Summary: No Jackson, just references to him. Basically how Aaron would cope in a situation, but entirely on how i view it. Other characters mentioned First fanfic so please R&R and tell me if you want more.
1. Chapter 1

The Dull Ache That Engulfs You

_First fanfic so please R&R. Love this pairing so thought i'd give it a go. Set back in the middle of November, a month after the accident. _

Chapter 1

The funeral was 3 weeks ago. Jackson just couldn't cope with things and slowly began to fall apart before my eyes. Each day, he just got worse and worse until he just gave up fighting all together. And now, Aaron was just going through the trials of everyday life, just through the motions. He had lost his first love, and was just pretending to cope.

Everyone had told him to open up, share what he was feeling. Paddy, Hazel, Chas, Adam, Ryan too, despite the fact he had been inside the past few months. Even Cain had told him to speak to someone. But the one person he wanted to speak to, share everything with, wasn't around anymore. His Jackson. His adorable odd comments that could change Aaron's strops into happiness in a second. His body being there to comfort his when times were going tough or he just wanted the comfort. Those little things that Aaron missed, the things that made Aaron fall in love without even realising. And he knew that once he realised, that it was too late.

He knew why everyone wanted him to open up, scared that he would retreat into a shell and do something stupid again. And he had to admit, he really wanted to. But it was his promise that he made to Jackson the night they finally got together that stopped him.

And now, Aaron did the things that he had to do. But it was clear to the whole village that he was barely coping. The drained face, the bloodshot eyes, sometimes even the evident tear stains on his face. Aaron just went to work, then sat in his room reminiscing. Wondering how to end the pain that had engulfed his heart, and was spreading around him so quickly, like a disease. Aaron even wished it was disease, because then the aching gap that had overtaken him would be over.

He was startled by the knock at the door. He knew who it was though.

"Aaron, can I come in?"

"No, Paddy, just do one"

"Aaron, at least come and get something to eat"

Aaron just ignored him now. Without Jackson here, he just didn't feel the need to eat. The pain in his stomach often took his mind of the greater one in his heart. Eating was something he did when the pain became too big to bear. Like sleeping. He knew it was plain to all to see that he wasn't getting much rest, his whole body was just on autopilot, his eyes red with the hours of unrest. Even when he did sleep, it wasn't for long, haunted by the memories of the train, of the huge crashing noise that still sent shivers down his spine. And then he would wake, covered in sweat, in his empty bed.

As he glanced at the clock, he knew it was getting close to the pub's closing time. Knowing it would give his mind a break from the memories, he watched the last of the villagers return to their respectable homes. Moira was the last to go, having locked up the front. Walking towards her car she glanced around, and her eyes locked briefly upon the figure in the window of Smithy Cottage. Adam had told her how Aaron was not even the same person since Jackson's death, though she hadn't seen him since the funeral. But it was evident to her that he was wasting away. His body looked considerably slimmer and moved slowly from lack of energy. But almost as quickly as she had spotted Aaron, he was gone again.

He sat on the floor of the bedroom, fingering the fabric of a red checked shirt. The one Jackson wore the first night they met. Aaron slowly brought it to his face, he could still smell his lover's scent upon it. He didn't even notice the tears that started to roll down his cheeks, one by one. Needing to be that little bit closer to his boyfriend, to his Jay, he wrapped the cotton around his shoulders.

He smiled slightly as he remembered one of the many times Jackson wrapped his arms around him, when he was washing up one time was the one that came to mind. The tickle of Jackson's beard upon his neck as he whispered something into his ear. As he nestled into Aaron's shoulder. Oh, how he longed to hear Jackson's voice again, just to be comforted by the sound.

Aaron lay down on the bed, on Jackson's side, and as he gripped the shirt closer to his body, he longed for a day in which his one dream could come true.

_Hope you liked it _


	2. Chapter 2

The Dull Ache That Engulfs You

_Sorry, added more drama and angst to this one, and I apologise if I write some of the characters oddly, i really struggled at times. Promise you that after this it can only get better._

_Disclaimer: Unfortunately do not own any of the Emmerdale cast, (though I wish I did ;))_

Chapter 2

_He could feel his feet running heavy on the ground, and the tears that were streaming down his cheeks. He was calling out his lover's name as he came to a stop at the graveyard. At the one place his heart was telling to go whilst it was breaking into a million pieces._

Jackson Walsh

5th August 1989 - 30th October 2010

'A loving son and boyfriend who suffered greatly

and be remember by all that met him.'

_He felt as if his heart had stopped as he broke down at his boyfriend's final resting place. He wanted to be with him, wherever he now may be._

_Suddenly, he was no longer there, but running along the road as he heard a terrifying smashing noise, knowing instantly what had been hit. His Jay. It was his Jay. He began shouting his name, praying that he could hear him and respond._

"Jackson... Jackson...Jay?"

Aaron twisted in the covers as his dream brought around scenarios that had and might still happen, but he was unaware of the body watching over him as he cried in his sleep.

"Aaron, wake up. Hey, wake up Aaron"

He was startled to say the least at the appearance of Paddy's voice, the love and care emitting from his pseudo father's eyes, but wasn't the eyes, the face that he was so desperate to see.

"Aaron, it was just a dream, everything will be alright"

"But it's not, it never will be whilst Jackson is rotting in the ground whilst everyone expects me to move on!"

Ratty about being woken up, the anger over the false reassurances and the desperate need to be away from the room, the bed he shared with Jackson, he ran past Paddy, down the stairs and out into the night, ignoring the desperate calls coming from Smithy Cottage.

He found himself at the pavilion, and suddenly realised that it wasn't just his tears that were dampening his cheeks. He pulled the clothing he had on a little a tighter around his body, but soon stopped abruptly. The shirt, he was still wearing the shirt. The red colouring had grown darker from the rain, and Aaron quickly noticed that the shirt was losing its owner's scent. Scared about the one piece he had of his lover, his soul mate left, placed it under the t-shirt he had on, to protect it for as long as he could.

But as much as he tried, he couldn't stop the patter of the water and the storm brewing overhead. And as a flash of lightning happened to strike the field affront of him, he realised the honest truth.

He needed to return to his true love. He needs to escape this world.

But Aaron knew he had to keep the promise that always cropped up in his mind, and knew no one he knew would do what he wanted, what he longed for out of his own free will.

And as a clap of thunder boomed from the clouds above, it came to Aaron like the lightning beforehand.

Turning back towards the village, to Smithy, he let his plan brew in his brain, He would have to make sure the words he used were perfect. Timing would be everything to ensure it worked. He knew he would break some people's hearts, but their quick grief would be over long before his would be.

He knew now how to get what he wanted, and done with precision, he would be back in Jackson's arms above the reality, the torture of the real world.

_I again apologise about the shockingness of this chapter, and the overload of angst. I'm afraid it will continue into the next chapter when it is done, but I will try and cheer it up once I know where to take it after that. If anyone has any ideas than please let me know. R&R and thanks for taking the time to read this._


	3. Chapter 3

The Dull Ache That Engulfs You

_Sorry about the delay in the upload for this chapter, really struggled at how to do this. Apologising as well for the awful characterisation. Less angst, more anger this time though. _

_Disclaimer: Do not own any of the Emmerdale characters or storylines, simply releasing the twisted world of my imagination_

Chapter 3

He had not spent much of the night sleeping, just lay there going over the plan in his head. If it went well, he would be reunited with his soul mate in no time. Maybe even before the day was out.

Sat against the bonnet of the Rover he was working on, the day's events so far had played into his hands. Cain had gone down south to London to pick up some parts before any bad weather hit in December. And even better, Ryan looked like he would kill someone after a run-in with Nathan. Aaron knew it was wrong to play on his mate's feelings, but if he wanted to be with Jay then he had to strike whilst the iron was hot.

'_Perfect situation', _Aaron thought, '_if I can just push him that bit further...' _as a smile played against his lips. And he knew that in the mood Ryan was in, he could set him off quickly.

It didn't take Aaron too long either. Within moments Ryan was in his face, on the verge of flipping out, with the pair sparring insults left, right and centre.

'_What's it like, eh, to sleep with your sister,'' _Aaron spat, not realising he was crossing a line he had privately promised not to go anywhere near.

'_How would I know, you twat!' _Ryan fumed, walking away before he did something he might regret. Aaron followed though, and managed to spit out his reply by the time they were outside Leyla's shop.

'_Well from what everyone's heard, you two liked a bit of happy families...'_

The pain in the side of was the first thing he felt, before his brain acknowledged the fact Ryan had punched him. '_Phase one complete' _thought Aaron_. 'Now to continue this further.'_

'_Oh come on, you two must of enjoyed a little hanky panky considering the amount of time you were having an affair.'_

'_You what? You're hardly one to judge anyone's relationship, seeing as you are walking round with a face like a smacked arse, which no one can barely believe considering you treated Jackson like crap!'_

This set Aaron off, irate at the fact his feelings for his boyfriend had been brought into this. The pair of friends were soon embroiled in a fist fight though, yelling abuse at each other, whilst half the village looked on. It wasn't until Carl and Jimmy pulled them apart that the punches were no longer being thrown, yet the anger was still on the surface of the mechanics.

'_Come on, Lamb, you know you want another shot,' _yelled Aaron struggling to wrestle himself from Jimmy whilst Ryan did the same from Carl.

'_Bring it on Livesy'_

Having wormed their way free from their captors the pair were squaring up to each other once more. But things change when Aaron lets something slip...

'_Punch me then, you know you want to, and I'm certainly willing to be a punch bag...'_

As the rest of the village let out a gasp which seemed collective, Ryan stepped back with an inquisitive face, but the fire was still clearly brewing below the surface.

'_What the hell are you on about?' _

But it was Aaron's reply that seemed to create a ripple of shock straight through the witnesses nearby, whilst Aaron could hardly believe what he said.

'_I said, I'm willing to let you kick my fucking head in, 'coz at least then I'd be out of this dumping ground, at least I'd be rotting in the ground over there! At least I'd be dead!_'

Sorry, I'm really not happy about this chapter, and I'm not sure at all how to continue this. Any ideas?

Thanks for R&R xx


	4. Chapter 4

_Sorry about the seriously long delay on this chapter. I have been very busy with RL and have spent a while deliberating how to finish this story. I'm not too happy about the ending either, but if I don't post it now I probably never will. Oh, and the characterisation is still not very good._

_Disclaimer: Do not own any of the characters. They belong to Emmerdale. This is purely for my own twisted imagination._

The villagers just stared at the distraught mechanic as they all reeled in shock at his admission. Aaron wasn't sure why he had said it either, and before anyone could react properly, he had pushed his way through the crowd and legged it up the main street. Several people try to call him back but he hardly even recognised them, let alone respond to them.

As he slammed the door and locked it shut behind him, he struggled to stop the tears rolling down his cheeks, whilst reducing the speed of his breathing. '_How dare Ryan question my feelings for Jackson. My Jackson...' _thought Aaron.

Stumbling into the kitchen in his dazed state, he spied the scribbled note resting on the table, and instantly recognised Paddy's scrawl:

_I and Rhona at Pebblebrook Farm. Herd_

_of cows in trouble. Will be late. Make your own tea._

_Paddy._

Grateful to be alone, he breathed a sigh of relief. Now he could just sit and remember his boyfriend with all his thoughts. Spotting the bottle of vodka on the side, Aaron slide out of the seat he had slumped in, grabbed the bottle and through his blurred vision, hauled his exhausted body up the stairs.

Collapsing on to the bed, Aaron slowly unscrewed the bottle and took a large gulp, wincing as the alcohol burned the back of his throat. Lying gently down onto Jackson's pillow, and bringing his knees up to his chest, he allowed his mind to embrace the memories, slugging the alcohol back as they broke him over, and over again.

Flashes of the happy times snuggled up into each other's arms, enjoying the other's company, comfort and embrace.

When they were ravishing each other's bodies in a moment of passion, when the love between them overflowed into sexual actions.

The fights, the anger they unleashed upon each other, in rants and spiteful responses, mainly from Aaron himself.

Laughter on their nights out, when a quick glance in Jackson's direction could lift Aaron's soul.

The memory of their last fight, the last words he said to his lover. Where he couldn't still admit the love he had in his heart, trying desperately to tear down the walls Aaron had built around himself.

Of Jackson's lifeless body in the van, as blood slowly dripped from his head, desperate for a way to tell him the words that were anxious to erupt from him. Of the declarations that moments before, he just couldn't make.

Holding his hand in the hospital, praying to give his boyfriend some more life, to fight through the struggles that had befriended them when they were rushed into the emergency department.

The day Jackson took his last breath, where he gave up the fight to keep going. The fight of survival.

The day of Jackson's funeral, where many saw him cry for the first time, unable to stop the waves of tears that rolled down his cheeks, as his body yearned to join that of his lover's, the one being lowered into the ground.

Flashes of past moments entered Aaron's mind, causing the weeping to grow into gentle sobs, each with a bigger gulp of the alcohol he held in his hand.

A while later, he heard the banging on the door downstairs, and despite his drunken state, recognised the voice as Adam's. _'He must of heard about ... the uh... commotion, that's the word, right... earlier,' _mumbled the drunken voice of Aaron to himself. He thought he would just leave it for a while, Adam would soon get bored. Glancing at the empty bottle sat beside him, he realised how much he had drunk. '_Jackson would slaughter me for getting into this state,' _the mechanic thought.

Realising that his mate was not going to leave without checking Aaron was alright, he got up, tottering on his unsteady feet. _'I_ _could get another bottle of vodka whilst I'm up,_' he thought.

Staggering out into the hallway to answer the door way, Aaron lost his footing and came crashing down, his world going black around him

And as he breathed his last breath in the place he saw as torture from birth, he recognised the sight of his Jackson, and quickly ran into his arms. For Aaron, having had his haven taken from him in life, and been reunited with his soulmate in death.

_Thank you for reading, and for everyone that reviewed. Love to you all. C.C. xx_


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